Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
