I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
