she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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