So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
