Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
