Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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