Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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