I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
