Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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