we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
