What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
We smell like vodka and hangover
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
