Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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