I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
