Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
