I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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