youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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