I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
