oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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