Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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