dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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