im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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