the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize