Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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