Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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