Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just pynch a tree in the face
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
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