I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
