Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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