Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
