Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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