this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
