My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
