I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
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Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
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You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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