and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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