meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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