the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
how drunk are you?
Several
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
