I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
