I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
