I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
