I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
