the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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