Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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