I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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