Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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