He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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