I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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