someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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