Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
