If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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