Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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