I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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