Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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