Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
