I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My breasts were aching with rage.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
