I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We were destined to go to rehab together
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
