My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
