my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
